“But I just DID the dishes yesterday!”

When it comes to cleaning and general housework, there’s a dirty little secret that many of us were never really taught.

What secret, you ask?

The “secret” - which may seem obvious - is that the work of caring for our homes is a daily practice, not a special event. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. It’s a journey, not a destination. I’m sure I could go on and on with the analogies, but I’ll spare you. What is boils down to is simple: the majority of our housework - cleaning, tidying, and beautifying our homes - should be akin to small acts of preventative care, not a trip to the ER.

But this realization begs the question - who on Earth wants to do CHORES every. single. day? Yuck.

For most of us, the word “chore” elicits a pretty darn negative response. Perhaps even a rebellious one. We are immediately transformed into our 12-year-old selves, feeling forced into doing the dishes or clearing the table under the stern gaze of a watchful parent.

So as we come into adulthood, it can be a bit of a bumpy transition from doing housework because your parents said so, to doing housework for your own benefit. And while some folks adapt easily enough, for others it can be a serious hurdle. For those in the latter group, you may feel like you’re in a constant battle with your home. And the worst part is, we judge ourselves and fear that others will judge us based on our ability - or lack thereof - to maintain a home. This struggle can lead to frustration, discomfort, and even shame.

So what can we do about it?

There are so many layers to this question. And there will be a unique answer for everyone. Our ability to stay “in control” of our spaces can be affected by our childhood experiences of home, current workload/the amount of free time we have, sheer exhaustion levels, support (or lack thereof) from the household, and even tendencies towards procrastination. Needless to say, it’s a lot more than I can tackle in this one blog post.

Instead, let’s look at a single aspect of this challenge: language.

Be mindful of the language you use

Language shapes our conceptions of self and our relationships to the world around us. Yet we rarely pause to analyze words, their meanings, or their effects on us, and often end up taking them for granted - especially those which we use habitually. And so the power of language goes largely unnoticed, quietly molding our mindsets for years at a time - for better or for worse.

So what would happen if we paused to examine how we speak about the actions required to maintain a comfortable, healthy, and - ultimately - sacred home?

Right off the bat, we have the word housework. house + WORK. Already feels a bit undesirable, no?

The word “work” tends to have a heavy, draining feeling to it (especially in cultures where we measure success by productivity and career advancement). We work at our jobs, which can be emotionally, mentally and physically draining. We don’t want to come home after a long day to have to do more work!

Here’s our first opportunity for a reframe.

It may seem silly, but what if we were to replace “work” with “care”?

The word “care” elicits feelings of tenderness, gentleness, generosity and even love. We care for those we love when they are ill or depressed. We promote self-care as an integral part of a healthy lifestyle. And although some folks may have a hard time prioritizing self-care, most of us would agree that it’s a desirable concept.

So how about swapping the word “housework” for “housecare”? This simple shift acknowledges that our homes are places worthy of our loving attention, in the form of both maintenance (cleaning, tending the yard, space clearing, for example) and beautification (decorating, design, personalization).

Most importantly, when we embrace that by caring for our homes, we are, by extension, caring for ourselves, it can revolutionize our relationship to our spaces. As such, tending to one’s home can become a powerful act of self-love.

The heaviness of “I have to”

Another extremely common phrase is “I have to…” When we preface an idea with these words, it sends a signal to our brains that we really aren’t looking forward to the task and would rather do anything else. Again, it creates a heavy, dull energy around whatever it is we “have” to do, which leads to avoidance and procrastination. The weight of this wording alone may make the task at hand seem so much worse than it really is, to the point that we build up this horrible idea of it… but in reality, the truth of the job - be it tidying the closet, tackling a pile of paper, emptying the dishwasher - is actually much less intimidating than we think.

This “have to” language strips us of our agency, implying that we have no choice in the matter. And for some people, when they feel like they have no choice, their reaction is to dig their heels in and rebel. So you may be telling yourself “Ugh, I really have to clean my room; it’s a real mess and I don’t feel good in there,” but then a little voice pops into your head saying “No way! I don’t HAVE to do anything!” And you end up avoiding the task, even to your own detriment and discomfort.

Integrating uplifting language

So what’s the alternative? Instead of saying, “I have to clean my room,” you could try variations on these phrases:

“I’m choosing to go take care of my room.” (There’s that word “care” again!)

“Today I’m going to do myself a favor and make my room feel like a peaceful sanctuary.”

“I know I feel happier and more relaxed when my room is clean, so I’m giving myself 30 minutes to tidy up.”

This last one is interesting because sometimes the amorphous nature of a task can be intimidating. If you think the act of cleaning your room will take all afternoon, it may require a LOT of willpower to actually start. If, however, you put a time limit on the action - 5, 10, 30 or 60 minutes, for example - this can help soothe that voice in your head that’s trying to convince you that you don’t really have the time or energy for a big project. And even if you don’t finish everything in those 20 minutes, at least you made a start, and THAT is something you can always feel good about. Tending to our homes is, after all, a never-ending journey, and it can be a slippery slope to try to make what should be home maintenance into one-time home projects. But that’s a topic for another post.

Until then, I hope this has encouraged you to play with the way that you use language when thinking and speaking about your relationship to your home. Trading in “work,” “chores” and “I have to” for more uplifting words and phrases like “care,” and “I choose to” can be a surprisingly powerful way to reclaim a sense of agency in cultivating your own sacred space.

Now it’s your turn! When it comes to creating YOUR holistic home, which words and phrases function as obstacles, and which help inspire and motivate you?

xo,

Joanie

Why “chores” is a dirty word

So what can we do about it?

Be mindful of the language you use

The heaviness of “I have to”

Integrating uplifting language

What is a Spirit House?